34.... really!??!!

Today I turn 34 and I find myself really scared. I am normally a happy person when it comes to birthdays and if you follow this blog at all you can see I spend quite a bit of time, energy, and sometimes money on celebrating the births of my kids. I am not worried so much about getting old, in fact it is just the opposite. I am praying to see past.... well, I'm a little superstitious so I won't say a specific number. With that said, 34 is a year that scares me.

Why 34?

Well, you see this was the last year my mother lived without cancer; the last year I saw my mother do everything she wanted and not care about what time had left for her to accomplish. If you never knew my mother - well, you missed out. And if you lived in the Ogden/Clearfield/Sunset area most likely you know someone who knew her - and they would tell you of her beauty, strength, talents, and amazing accomplishments. She never said specifically she regreted any of her choices, but I know she had dreams she never got to accomplish.

As her oldest, and as a yellow (for definition of 'yellow' read The Color Code, by my family's friend Dr. Taylor Hartman), I was very frustrated with my mom's success - uh hello I wanted to be the center of attention and she inevitably outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted anyone at any event. Of coarse at the time I didn't understand my frustrations, and I did anything I could to not be like her. After her death I learned a lot about her and mostly about myself, I was 19. I changed from not wanting to be like her to wanting to be exactly like her... which changed too. For the past month or so I have been fixated on 'my time to go'. I know that sounds morbid, and I know that I "shouldn't" think this way. But I have - and now I want to have it all. Is that so wrong? I want to have the beauty, strength, talents, and amazing accomplishments -

AND LIVE OUT MY DREAMS!

So this, my 34th year, I will be spending every second making choices that may not make sense to everyone but will be me being me! I hope those who are a part of this ride will understand, and be patient with my decisions, actions, and craziness. I am sure to journal all the ups and downs, and those moments I feel I can share with the world I will write here. I had a lot of dreams growing up that I didn't pursue because.... well- there are too many reasons that don't matter anymore.

SO HERE I COME DREAMS!!